The Man I've Become
by princessg101
Summary: 12 is determined to face his ghosts starting with the woman he married


The Man I've Become

**A/N: Hey guys, here's where I think the Doctor may have gone for that bit in Deep Breath. Slight spoilers but nothing too drastic. ENJOY! R&R PLZ!**

The Doctor evaluated his reflection on the TARDIS screen for the hundredth time, silver hair, attack eyebrows and all. He couldn't say he wasn't pleased, after all it was _his_ face, but it revealed nothing. He had the ultimate poker face now; it was so good he couldn't even read himself. "What kind of man are you?" he asked lowly still not quite used to the new accent. A man that has made mistakes, he mentally replied, a lot of them. This was his last regeneration, at least so far as he knew, and it was high time he dealt with his ghosts. Starting with the most important one, he sighed and picked up the bouquet of flowers on the console. He'd gone all the way to Asgard to get these wildflowers but as he was only going to do this once, he might as well go all out. The TARDIS landed and the Doctor turned his eyes to the door, here it goes. He straightened his jacket and waistcoat and strode out to meet his past.

_You defaced the oldest cliff face in the universe _

_You wouldn't answer your phone_

The Doctor smirked a little staring up at the gigantic 'Hello Sweetie' followed by the coordinates that he'd already gone to though he wished he could go again. "Hello love." Going to the library was out of the question since the Vashta Narada had taken over, not to mention he didn't want to know whether she was still in the data core or not. Whichever it was, at least they had these little monuments to their story. The Doctor snorted, _little_, taking in the sheer size of the lettering. He'd never gotten around to asking River how she managed that but it was so like her, cheeky, unrepentant, and larger than life and who was he to complain? His tomb was a forty foot TARDIS. "It seems," he said aloud, "we are nothing if not a bit over the top don't you think love?" He placed the flowers near the cliffbase and stood back to look up at it. "Can't stay long, Clara will probably start to think I abandoned her. She's already pretty cross with me. I was acting rather strange in the beginning since my new body was still trying to work itself out, of course she didn't know that. I keep forgetting to explain regeneration to my friends, it would make things a lot easier but there never seems to be good time for an 'if-I-should-die' conversation. I never had to worry about that with you." The Doctor sat down on a nearby rock, a warm breeze gently wafted through the clearing and he closed his eyes, letting his mind going back to places he previously wouldn't have revisited.

"It's no good wishing you were here but I keep looking for them you know? I just keep hoping that I'm going to visit a museum or a library or somewhere and find another set coordinates and there you'll be, fixing your hair and lipstick with a 'Hello Sweetie' to greet me. It's crazy how much hope you give me River Song," the Doctor swallowed. "You're so unpredictable, I just can't believe that you won't spring up again out of nowhere. And what you said to me at Trenzalore… I should've known you'd leave me with another mystery, another spoiler to experience, to wait for. I wonder if you'd like the new face or the clothes or the accent. Apparently I'm Scottish now and obnoxiously flighty if you listen to Clara." He clasped his hands together and rocked a little in his spot. "I've garnered a taste for alcohol too and can flirt with dinosaurs; dear god Vastra is never going let me forget that even though I could hardly grasp the concept of bedroom at the time. I don't like bowties anymore or long scarves, I'm more serious than the man you married and not nearly as young. In fact…I don't think I am the man you married. I don't know who I am. But you, like always, you are my constant. You are my wife. At the Library I had a different face but you were still my wife then and that's remains true now. I may not be the man you married but I am the man that misses you terribly. I am the man that thinks about you every few moments. Most of all, I am the man that loves you with both of his hearts and his mind and if that doesn't make you my wife, I don't know what will." The Doctor sniffed and flicked away the tiny tears forming on the edge of his eyes. "River I can only guess what you'd say about the man I've become but everything I know about him, I know because of you. I love you Melody, just as much as I did before. Until we meet again my dear wife."

The Doctor rose and returned to the TARDIS where set the coordinates to Victorian London. The ship landed and he knew he only a few moments before Clara came in. He sat in his chair with the back to the door so she wouldn't see him upset. He hoped that she had come to terms with his transformation but it was a long shot. Clara was not River, not that he wanted her to be but that was something else he needed to confront. He ought to makes things clear with her too, after all he was the man that made plenty of mistakes but now he'd become the man who takes care of them.

**A/N: Hope you liked it, I'm really wishing that we at least get to see some River/12 interaction but it seems unlikely. Anyway drop a review and let me know how I did ENJOY R&R PLZ! :D **


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